It's been nearly, I don't know, 6 years since I played my last RPG.

My last gaming group and I broke up, badly, and I've been somewhat gun shy of starting with another one.  But, I miss playing.  I miss creating characters, putting myself in their place and trying out new ways and decisions.  When I first heard of D&D, back in the early 90s, I was already an outcast in my school.  Read to much, played no sports, to smart for her own good.  It wasn't until I moved and started dating that I finally got a chance to play.  I soon became just one of the guys, albeit one with an amazing rack.  I kept those friends even after the boyfriend exited the picture (way too late).  We've lost touch now, but that's probably due more to distance and time then anything else.  

I was lucky in college to find another great gaming group, and to finally not be the only female.  Again I made friendships, some of which continue even now, over 10 years later.  I learned about new types of games, adding White Wolf and personally made games to my experience.  Though there was certainly more sexual tension undercurrents, and the group splintered several times, the times I spent playing with my friends are, honestly, what I remember best, and with the most joy, when I think back on those 4 short years.

When I moved away, I ended up joining my boyfriend/husband's gaming group.  For several years everything seemed wonderful.  We played regularly.  But then things slowly changed.  New people joined.  My husband stopped playing.  Our personal life got pretty crazy.  And then drama created a schism, and I left.  I won't say that I was completely blameless in all of this.  I wasn't.  I'll admit that.  My personal life was cracking and breaking down.  I brought it to the group, my only friends in the area, hoping for some help.  Hoping for the support I'd found in my previous groups.  Unfortunately, that was not what I found.  And so I left, turning my attention to trying to heal my marriage and support my husband after the death of his mother.

We've made new friends now.  Friends who've never known us as anything other then a couple.  Friends who've never seen us as anything but supportive of each other.  Several times the idea of starting a new gaming group has been mentioned.  Honestly, I've been torn.  I've missed it so much.  The creation.  The story telling.  My husband has no interest in it.  I don't mind that so much.  He knows what it's about and won't worry that it's some sort of devil worshipping, subversive thing.  (And if my husband thought I would be part of anything like that he must have had a stroke.)  The loss of trust that came with the last group breakup, mixed with my low self-esteem, holds me back as much as my desire to game again pushes me forward.

Up until now I've had the excuse of distance.  Most of the people I'd be gaming with now live nearly 2 hours away, making regular gaming sessions (which tend to last hours) unfeasible, even more so now that I have a toddler.  But, now, I've been talked into (ok, so I talked myself into it) trying a short, online D&D session through Google+.  Once that was decided, and I got a chance to glance at the Player's Handbooks, I created 2 character concepts, with backgrounds and descriptions, in less then an hour.  We're not playing for a few weeks yet, and I still need to roll up the character I will play, but my nerves have already started.  I'm looking forward to pulling on a new face, a new attitude.  At the same time, I feel like I'm just waiting for the wall of ice water to come crashing into my face.